You know what we hate? (Part One)

If you're a man, you and your Y chromosomes may want to stop reading this post now. 'Cause this would be the post where I complain about all the stupid man things you (mankind, collectively) do that drive us (womankind, collectively) up a wall. So let's get started, shall we? Disclaimer: if you're a man, and you didn't head on over to espn.com right now, consider yourself properly warned. Disclaimer to the disclaimer: Dad, if you're reading this, none of these things apply to you, because all men should be like you :-)

We hate it when you SAY:

• "But honey, I'm so tired." Here's a reality check for you: everyone is tired. Seriously, everyone I know. We are a universe of tired people. Let's face it, life is hard. Lots to do. Not enough time to do it. But are you expending energy making milk by just sitting there? Nope. And did you get up with the baby during the night and then work a full day at your job, and then come home and work your second full-time job caring for that baby, keeping some semblance of order in your kingdom, manage to get a nutrious meal on the table, a few loads of laundry done, and pack everyone up for the next day? Probably not (not in my house anyway). Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you don't have every right to be tired like the rest of the universe. What I am saying is quit telling us how tired you are. It's simply a given. And definitely quit trying to use it as a reason not to do something (i.e "I'm too tired to give the baby a bath." C'mon, you can hear how dumb that sounds.) Try this simple experiment: next time you feel the need to tell us how tired you are, suck it up and instead say "Honey, how can I help?" I guarantee stellar results.  

• "You have to tell me what you want me to do. I'm not a mind reader." To me, this is the ultimate cop out. Of anything. Let's try a little quiz. There's only one question, ready, here it is: you walk into the kitchen with an empty glass and go to put it into the dishwasher, but you see the dishwasher is totally full. You should:

1. Put the glass on the counter, along with all subsequent dirty dishes.
2. Throw the glass away. Buy new ones.
3. Run the dishwasher.

          Most of you are pretty smart, men. You know (deep in your heart of hearts) that the correct response is #3. You don't need us to tell you to drop a Cascade packet into the detergent dispenser and press start. And here's a revelation - while you're away at work during the day, there isn't an army of housekeeping gnomes that show up and tell us how to keep a neat and orderly house. Through the magic of sight, we look around, see what needs to be done, and do it. It's really that simple. We're not asking you to read our minds. We're asking you to move out of La-La Land and join us in Realityville.

•  "I really just need to relax." Men, do us a favor, and look at us, no, really look at us for a moment. We have spent our entire day saying things like "no, no, we don't lick the carpet," wiping poopy heinies and snotty noses, going without (without a shower, without lunch, without adult contact) and we probably have yogurt on our shirt from the circus that was feeding our child breakfast. We are rocking the same yoga pants and tired old ponytail we wore yesterday. We love it, please don't misunderstand us. Our kids make our world go round, but look at us and just try and tell us we couldn't use some relaxation. We know you could too, but we don't need the daily reminder. You know what would blow our mind? Walk in the door after work, take the sweet-potato-covered spoon out of our hand, sit at the table with the baby and say "Honey, you go take a bath, I've got this." I mean, if you want to throw some flowers and take-out in there too we're not going to argue, but really, it's more about recognizing how hard we work every now and then. 'Cause we work harder than you will ever know. Women are amazing.

Rant over.