We hate it when you DO any of the following:
- Nap. Oh. My. Gawd. Can we ever really fully express how the sight of you sprawled on the couch drooling drives us to levels of insanity previously unknown to us? Man naps make our skin crawl. We would rather you take it in the bedroom so we don't have to stew about how you're the one who slept in this morning while we got up with the baby and yet here you are, two hours later, dead to the world and not even sorry about it. Call us irrational, call us illogical, call us crazy if you want to, just wake up. Now! Have you ever noticed who doesn't take naps? Moms. Yeah that's because we are trying desperately to use every moment of every day to our best advantage and if we stop to nap we are forgoing a sacred chunk of time in which laundry could get folded, veggies could get chopped, bills could get paid, and calls could get returned. Now I know what you're thinking, men. You're thinking "well, it's your own fault if you don't get a nap. You could take one if you wanted to." Au contraire, my friends, au contraire. Because you see, when (or if) you say to us "honey, why don't you go lay down?" it's completely meaningless unless followed by "I'll put the laundry in the dryer/call the insurance company back/pick up the playroom/brush the dog." An empty, half-hearted suggestion, said just because you think it's what we want to hear, is unfortunately useless because when (and if) we actually do try to lay down and rest as a result of it, all that's running through our mind is the endless list of things waiting for us to do when we get up. And who can sleep through that? Oh, that's right. You can.
- Use the world as your hamper. Most of us women go to a decent amount of effort, in decorating our homes, to ensure that the living room/mud room/master bedroom doesn't resemble the inside of a laundry basket. So why then, are we constantly finding socks, belts, ties and button-down shirts scattered in all manner of disarray on our floors, over the backs of chairs, and next to the actual hamper? Please help us to understand this. Have we taken a decorative wrong-turn somewhere? Does something about the color we selected for the living room walls scream "drop your socks here!?" Now we know you may find the sight of our clothes scattered on the floor rather scintillating, but let us assure you, the feeling is not mutual. You know what's far more enticing for us? Clothes in the hamper where they belong. Sad but true.
- Yell "honey, where's my keys/cell phone/wallet/that little piece of paper I put on the counter yesterday?" on a daily basis. We are well aware that we're moms, however we're not your moms. We are keeping a daily running list of things to accomplish that rivals Santa's list of nice kids, and the whereabouts of your crap is not really on our radar. Sure, every once in awhile we all misplace things, and that's fine, but when you make a daily habit of interrogating us over these trivial issues while we're simultaneously trying to feed the baby, feed the dog, make something resembling a grocery list and get ourselves out the door to work we get a little testy. So just remember where you put your stuff. Seriously.
- Golf. Hunt. Play Fantasy Football. Meet Bob for a beer after work. Most of you men are going to read this and think "they don't want us to have any fun. It's not fair." Well, that's simply untrue. It's not that we don't want you to have any fun, truly. It's that we're jealous. Like crazy, green-eyed, been-stuck-in-the-house-with-the-kids-all-day jealous of how easy it is for you to walk out that door and get your Me Time. You don't ever have to worry about working around nap time, or missing a nursing session, or who's going to put the baby to bed. 'Cause your wife will take care of it. All of it. She is an amazing creature, your wife. And do you know what she would give her right arm for (besides Patrick Dempsey bearing a glass of Riesling)? A little bit of time for herself. That's why we get cranky when you call us on the way home and say you're meeting Bob for a drink, or why we're less than thrilled when you decide to join a golf league or spend your Saturdays in some freezing cold tree stand. We give our all to our families every single day and sometimes we get burned out. So know that we do want you to have your fun, but never, ever underestimate the gift you're giving us when you take over bath duty, or send us shopping with our moms, or take the baby with you when you make a parts run. What is it they say? If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy? Largely true, boys, largely true. Now, where do we stand on Patrick Dempsey and that Riesling?